心不老的湯米

 

After a terrible storm striking this area for few days, it is finally sunny today. I went to church this morning and felt so powerless and hopeless. There are almost 4 weeks remaining until this semester ends. Two big exams and two huge papers are waiting for me to deal with them. Last week, I was experiencing a sudden emotional down to the hell and didn’t know the reason. It seems like this depressed feeling continues to affecting me and shows no sign to go away. Even though I prayed, shouted, cried, or simply slept, the more I did the more depressed I feel. Therefore, I changed my mind about not going back this winter and booked the air ticket back to Taiwan on 12/17.

 

It has been a while since I wrote something here last time. During these weeks, I had no motivation to write something, had no motivation to study, had no motivation to hang out with people, had no motivation to read, and even had no motivation to just walk out of my apartment. Sitting in a coffee shop, although the textbook has been opened for literally 2 hours, the page still remains at number 359, meaning I have not studied a single word and just sit here to do nothing.

 

I feel bad for myself, feel bad for my heart, feel bad for my soul, and feel bad for my entire body. God! I can’t believe I am here to study for the Ph.D. degree, which requires so much passion to complete it and even keep moving on afterward. But I even don’t have “passion” in my own dictionary. I feel like, look like and sound like an idiot, right?

 

I don’t know what I can expect from going back to Taiwan for 3 weeks, except for having good foods and good sleeps. Will those be enough for me to be recharged and ready for next semester? If it is, that might be a day dream, a really funny one.

 

Hey, I guess I have complained enough. Nobody will really care what I say here so I won’t waste any more time now. I’ll just stop here and see if I can encounter page 360 in next two hours. Anyway…God bless y’all.