心不老的湯米

I am a coward, a really big one. I am so disappointed about myself. What’s wrong with you…Tommy? Just say what you wanna say. Where is your courage and motivation? Where is your passion? Com’on! I really hate myself acting like a coward.

Yes, of course you’ll be frustrated; of course you’ll be challenged; of course the answer you’re looking for may not be happening; of course you could either fail or win; and of course you might feel even worse after this. However, ask yourself this. Is this worth doing and risking your life? If the answer is “yes”, please…Tommy please…just go for it. Just follow your feeling and “Speak the truth in love”. Please!

When He calls my name, I will rise. All of pain and sorrow I have been feeling will be gone. Just rejoicing and fulfillment are left in my heart.

Artist(Band):Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead 

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Back to my apartment last Tuesday night, there was a delivery note left in front of the door. Even though it was only some tracking numbers, I knew it was my very first and new Bible. I ordered it about two weeks ago, but didn’t know why taking so long to have it get here. Anyway, it was here then.

Next morning, I stopped by the post office first before going to school. I was right. It was the Bible which was arriving at the right time. I will be having an exam and a paper due by next week. When I just felt so weak and down, God had the Bible sent here just in time. How amazing it was!

On the other hand, it was the second session last night since I joined the Bible study group. Not surprisingly but powerfully, I was so touched and fulfilled while reading every words in Bible and sharing feelings with the group. I had an awesome Friday night yesterday thanks to God and all of people in the group.

Now, sitting in the library and studying for next week’s exam, I feel so motivated and happy. Through the window I can see so many people BBQing and picnicking in the parking lot and waiting for tonight’s football game. From their faces, I also see happiness and excitement.

At this amazing football game day, a bottle of Pepsi, textbooks, and handouts are with me in this nearly empty library. However, I am not feeling lonely because I have a fulfilled heart.

So many things have been going on in my mind since I arrived here about two months ago. It seems that more and more are adding and less and less are unloading. It's like a huge dam already full of water but storms and rain still keep coming. There is no sign it will stop and there is no way the dam capable of swallowing that much. So, what's gonna happen next? Everyone knows.....

Fortunately, I have this little blog, my tiny space. It is the only exit inside the dam. That's why I keep writing when I can't stop thinking.

Sometimes my writing is meaningless and not even logical. Sometimes it sounds like I am moaning for nothing. Sometimes it looks like I am dying. Sometimes it feels like nothing has ever happened. Despite that, I still keep writing...I am sorry if all of these hurt your eyes...

Maybe I am just too emotional. Maybe I am should be as mature as people in my age are expected to be. Maybe I just let everything go and move on. Maybe I just need someone to say something to wake me up. Maybe there is no possible maybe here. Maybe I've already lost my mind and don't know what I am saying now.

Back to the dam, it is still so stuffed. Any single drop of water can overflow it.

So, the only way is to keep writing here...hopefully...it will be sunny tomorrow...

Life is not as easy as it looks like. I have been so emotional that my focus has been distracted from where it should be. Sitting in front of my laptop, class notes, and textbooks, I am thinking that the dust in the air should finally be settled down to the ground. Once it is, I should be able to see the path ahead of me more clearly. I can't forget why I am here. I can't ignore how hard I have been trying. I can't forget what I have been dreaming about. I am here for reasons. Let's clear the dust and carry on. I am going to make it. I always believe so...

Last week was an unusual week not because of any difference in school work, but because of some surprising feelings. As a 33-year-old man, I am not really sure what I was doing and what I wanted. Even though I did know, was that not realistic and did I act like a stupid old guy? I wish someone could tell me the answers.

I was almost sick to death yesterday and literally realized how lonely I had been. Therefore, I was wondering if loneliness had made my feelings and it was not real and true. I kept thinking and thinking with my fevered head. Of course…the answer is always there. I just wanted to make up any excuses for my feelings to not do it. It was so tough.

I get a little bit better today.

Dress up and walk out of my apartment. I see the sun is still so shiny and the sky is so clear and blue. The world hasn’t changed much in these two days and I have not either, except for the running nose and sore throat. I don’t know what I am going to do with that feeling. I have prayed for a couple of times and I guess the Lord wants me to figure it out by my own. Yes, He is right. I have to figure it out by my own. No one can help me.

I am studying at Webb Center now and watching those trees through windows. These equations and graphs in my Microeconomics book seem meaningless to me at this second and neither do these words I’ve just typed here. I am here just because I don’t want to be at home anymore, just because I need a noisy place to have company, and maybe just because this is where I can clear my mind and keep moving on.

What happened?

Many things happened. Or…maybe nothing really happened.

The sky is getting darker. The wind is blowing my face. Watching so many students coming and going by walking on campus with my little frustrated heart is painful. Pain is there, but I still don't know where it comes from. Maybe I know, but just feel so confused and lost. "OK! Let's go get a cup of coffee from the Starbucks!" I said to myself in mind. Coffee was always my best friend when I need some comfort. But, not this time. Pain is not gone after coffee comes in. It's still there. I can feel it. I wonder.....why???

And then I bow my knees and pray......"God! Could you please help me? Or at least tell me what's going on?".

He answers......of course not in words...but in feelings.

Now I know where my pain comes from and realize I am not going to get rid of it until something is done by myself. I'm going to do it even though the consequences may be even painful. I need to do this! I need to do this to remind who I am. I need to do this to prove who I will be. Yes...there are always so many things that I can't afford to lose. But this one? It's on top of them.

So I pray again....."God! Please give me the courage to do this!" "No matter what happens, I know You're always with me. Amen!"

Does everyone really know who he or she is? Not really...I think. At least I don't know until I first hear this song. When I am lost and hurt, only the Lord can catch me and get me back to the right direction. He lets me know who I am...not because of what I've or haven't done.

Artist(Band): Casting Crowns

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.

Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.

I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.

Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

 Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.

Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.

Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.

I am yours.

Everyone needs a savior especially when he or she feels down and depressed. Every single one of us is so tiny and weak. We can't even be others' saviors. However, God is so mighty to save us. He is so mighty to be thousands of millions of people's Savior. No matter where we are or what we need, He is always there and gives us the hope. The hope we need so much to save our souls. Wish all of you the best...^^

Artist (Band): Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness  

The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior 

He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save

Forever

Author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave 

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again 

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in

 Now I surrender

Savior 

He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save 

Forever

Author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen king, Jesus

Shine your light and let whole world see

We’re singing for the glory of the risen king

Experiencing what I have been going through for past three years certainly is not a good memory but, in fact, helpful and full of surprises. How so? I can't exactly tell in the very first moment that all of what has happened to me are all so meaningful and powerful. Initially I was just so depressed and felt so down that an once-the-happiest-man could tough the ground and even feel the hell. But now, my dear friends, all of these disappointments and depression let me become faithful not only on myself but on God. I was always a self-believed person who thought there was nothing I couldn't do or accomplish. However, there were. There definitely were and I felt them. Without those down sides, I'll never become the current me, a brand new Tommy with a loved and blessed heart.

Thanks, my Lord. Even though I can barely say I well know you or what you have done, I can still feel you in my heart. It is miracle. It's just simply a miracle. Now, I won't know where I will be in five or ten years. I also won't know how many challenges ahead of me in the rest of my life. But I feel the peace. I feel the peace because I am led by you now. I know you will lead me to a future that best fits me and my future family.

My friends. No matter which God you believe in, wish your God with you forever, just like my God, the Lord.

God Bless You All...